


time will tell how much i love you

by 31X11



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Attempt at Humor, Best Friends, Denial of Feelings, Light Angst, M/M, i hope you all enjoy this Mess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2018-10-16
Packaged: 2018-11-01 12:29:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10921827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/31X11/pseuds/31X11
Summary: seasons, places and people change. but we were stuck in a time when all i could see was the possibility of us.





	1. the first step

days are getting warmer as the sun rose up, high and mighty in the sky. its rays seep through the small crack in between mingyu's window drapes, hitting him square in the face. he tosses and turns, lean leg dangling by the edge of the bed. he musters enough energy to grab a pillow and hide his face from the harsh sunlight. though his alarm is even harsher, ringing near his head.

 

today is not a good morning. especially when he remembers he has an exam today.

 

mingyu is smart. there is no doubt in his intellect, scoring high grades ever since he was a little child. with a memory that functions better in class rather than outside of it, he is confident that he can pass. however, the comfort of his bed and the aching of his back caused by hours hunched over his desk studying or playing overwatch, is enough to make him reluctant to stand up.

 

mornings are always cruel.

 

with much difficulty and less time left to prepare, he pushes himself off of his bed. five minutes pass as he makes his bed and organizes his backpack. five more minutes he uses to throw on a proper pair of jean, a shirt and his hoodie and cap. mornings often start like this, rushed.

 

but mornings are also a blessing. because as he steps out of the door, there is guarantee that he can see jeonghan first thing in the morning. mingyu has very little time to prepare every morning but he makes sure he has at least ten minutes spare to wake jeonghan up.

 

it's been this way since they were twelve. although he is bigger in size and bumps his head against the front door of jeonghan's house, they never did change. he always feels like time stays still whenever he steps inside his household.

 

"there you are, mingyu! we thought we'd have to drag him out of bed," jeonghan's mother greets him with a jolly laugh.

 

mingyu runs up to her and gives her a smile. "i've been doing it for the past seven years, _ahjumma_. i don't mind seven more."

 

jeonghan inherited most of his good looks from his mother, even the way they laugh is similar. and although she is way past her thirties, she still looks prettier than half the girls his age. but maybe he’s just biased.

 

as for waking jeonghan, he really doesn't mind. and that much he has told jeonghan over and over again. in different ways.

 

_"you're my always."_

 

_"can't wait to get cancer, be blind, die and never have to deal with this ever."_

 

_"you love me."_

 

_"debatable. are you going to throw eggs at my parents' car if i say no?"_

 

 _"i love_ you _, though."_

 

smiling ever so brightly, he jogs up the stairs, making sure to mind his head. his feet carry him to jeonghan's room easily. it is slightly ajar (evidence that his mother had already attempted to wake him up), and he pushes it open some more.

 

there jeonghan lays, his form barely recognizable underneath piles of soft and plain white soft pillows and his blanket. his curtains are heavier than mingyu’s, its purpose to let him sleep for longer in peace. not that he did not usually. he’s a heavy sleeper.

 

mingyu starts by shrugging off backpack. it makes a faint thud as it fell down on the carpeted floor. he gears up. with a mischievous glint in his eyes, he runs towards jeonghan's bed and jumps.

 

"sun's up!!!" he shouts, wiggling his body on top of the now awake and angry jeonghan.

 

jeonghan tries to push mingyu away but mingyu is too heavy. a groan slips from his lips. mingyu continues to make himself comfortable on top of his best friend. "get off of me..." said best friend croaks out.

 

"you legit have twenty minutes on your ass before you're late. _again_. how many times has it been this month? i'm surprised you haven't been expelled."

 

it endearing how jeonghan thinks he can lift mingyu off. once he pushes his covers away, his face makes an appearance beside mingyu's armpit. despite his still sleepy state and puffy eyes, his glare is just as intense as it is when he's fully awake as he directs it towards mingyu.

 

"they might as well expel me. or better yet, why don't you break my ribcage and kill me while you're at it, kim mingyu?"

 

mingyu smiles, hopping off of jeonghan's bed. "i love your enthusiasm!"

 

"and i love being left alone in peace to sleep," he retorts, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. "i'll be down in a bit."

 

"ha. yeah." mingyu stands still and crosses his arms against his chest.

 

jeonghan lets out a frustrated groan and throws a pillow at mingyu. if mingyu leaves him alone for as much as a minute, he'll go back to sleep. the older has a tendency to sneak in five more minutes of sleep. they usually turn into hours.

 

the pillow lands in front of mingyu and he laughs. he picks it up and walks to jeonghan's bed, already making it as the other thankfully starts moving to take a shower and change.

 

once they were in the bus, mingyu becomes a pillow for jeonghan. the other is much smaller in stature but boy did his head weigh a ton. still, he doesn’t complain. it’s better than him hitting his head against the glass window. or leaning against some random stranger. plus, his shoulders are a great alternative to a pillow.

 

until, of course, he sees drool on his newly ironed denim shirt after he drops jeonghan off at his university. the many advantages of his being close to jeonghan's is that he can make sure that he actually goes to class. jeonghan has always been lazy when it comes to going to school. his intense desire to sleep and inability to wake up in time has caused quite a few problems in the past. it isn’t until he offered to wake him up did it improve.

 

this, however, means that he has to run to his own class.

 

but it's fine. so long as he can assure jeonghan's mother that her son had managed to drag himself to his classes. besides, little sacrifices when it comes to jeonghan are something mingyu had grown accustomed to.

 

by the time he arrives at the third floor of his department's building, he meets his professor half way. of course, mingyu makes a last minute attempt to beat him to the door while panting heavily. he hears a shout behind him but he doesn’t dare look behind in fear.

 

the most important part is that he is seated by the time their professor sets his things down on the table. mingyu grins from where he is seated, ready to start the day.

  
  
  


seokmin is quick to eye him around lunch time. mingyu is too busy to mind him, eating his breakfast and lunch. mingyu even has the audacity to ask seokmin for his soup to which his same aged friend denies him.

 

"you have to stop being such a tool," seokmin starts. and mingyu wonders if his friend ever gets tired of lecturing him.

 

while jeonghan and mingyu had been friends before puberty, seokmin is a friend he got acquainted with when he took his entrance exams. seokmin had forgotten to take a pen with him and mingyu lent him one at that time. mingyu remembers the other's enthusiastic , "i owe you my life!" but now, after their first year of being friends, it seems as if mingyu owes seokmin his.

 

"don't start. i might get indigestion," mingyu responds with his mouth filled with white rice. he is eyeing the bowl of soup on seokmin's plate with the greedy expression of a professional foodie.

 

seokmin ignores it and smiles at his friend. "you were almost late for class. now i know you're some sort of genius who somehow manages to nail a spot in the top five but dude. it's not even that." seokmin deliberately eats the kimchi soup in front of mingyu, who groans. "you're legit doing the _most_ for jeonghan. i get it that you're best friends but it's totally beyond that. you guys didn't even actually da--"

 

"ha! haha? ha!" mingyu shouts, stabbing the table with the other end of his spoon. he smiles at seokmin, as if saying, 'say one more word'.

 

"any....ways..." seokmin continues as he finishes his meal. "stop it. live your own life. he's a grown man and quite frankly, he doesn't even appreciate your efforts in the slightest bit."

 

seokmin stands up and walks to the counter where he sets down his tray forcefully. the cafeteria lady gives him a look and he apologizes immediately, ruining his whole i'm-mad-at-you play. but he makes sure mingyu a disappointed look before disappearing from the cafeteria.

 

mingyu's gaze lands at his half finished meal. suddenly, his appetite has left him. seokmin's words replay in his head and he decides to go to the rooftop for a nap before his next class.

  


* * *

  


jeonghan could feel _his_ eyes on him. it isn't very difficult to know that in this very crowded library, choi seungcheol's gaze is focused entirely on him. not some girl beside him or in front of him. but **him**.

 

they sit on opposite ends of the library, while the other students that sit in the space between them are diligently studying. originally, jeonghan had plans to nap for the rest of the day in his little corner. but it seems as if his plans are changing and his hormones, activating.

 

seungcheol's gaze burns in the most delightful way. so much so that he can't help but look up at him. his coyness is put aside as they engage in a soundless battle of gazes. telepathy would prove to be very useful in this situation so that he could read the other's thoughts.

 

however, they do not live in such a world. he must resort to words or actions. it won’t take much for seungcheol to be completely besotted with him. the only thing that infuriates him is this little push and pull he does. one moment, he is staring as if he wants to undress him with his eyes and the next he seems disinterested. it makes jeonghan disappointed every time he looks back down at his laptop. probably because he couldn't handle jeonghan looking at him. at least, that is what jeonghan would like to think.

 

 _as if he can even focus at this point_ , jeonghan thinks, smug.

 

months had passed since seungcheol showed signs of interest towards him. but he never makes a significant move. but even if it were so, he finds their is-he-straight-and-just-fucking-with-me and the there-is-no-heterosexual-explanation-for-this game thrilling. but he wishes he will be swept off his feet soon. if not, he will be the one to sweep him off of his feet.

 

after all, it isn't every day that someone looks at him that way. mostly, he receives disgusted, annoyed or jealous looks from almost everyone. and mingyu wonders why he doesn't like going to university. one would think that people changed their ways after high school but they just get more annoying.

 

jeonghan is cornered by a group of girls after lunch. he is late for his quiz already. not that he did mind. he could probably amuse himself by trying to finish it within a few minutes later since this is bound to take a while.

 

"we saw you earlier," the tallest with bb cream too thick it accentuates her pimples and lipstick too baby pink that it makes her look like a silly cartoon character, said.  "seungcheol _sunbae_ isn't like you."

 

the one clinging beside her nods. he always forgets their names but this one had her nose done last year. this is the only thing he remembers since all he could see back then was her fat nose. the others aren't very impressive looking either so he doesn't bother to remember them. they were about six in total. he wonders how people have so much time to tell him who is and isn’t gay.

 

"stop trying to seduce him so publicly. don't you have any pride?"

 

"looking like a girl doesn't mean like he'll like you in that way."

 

"how pathetic."

 

jeonghan laughs in an obnoxious manner, running his fingers through his locks. the girls are momentarily shaken by his good looks. they snap out of it soon when his glare lands on them. he is still a guy so his physical strength (although it paled in comparison to mingyu’s) would help him. but he really didn’t want to keep his hands dirty. insults and death glares were his forte.

 

"how about focusing more on blending your bb cream down to your neck evenly rather than someone else's life?" he whispers, snark evident in his tone. "and for the record, the lot of you having tits and a vagina doesn't mean _he'll_ take interest in _you_ , either. not with that sorry excuse for a personality."

 

he is too tired to bother with listening to their response so he pushes past them, effectively making their 'leader' lose her balance. they yell at him, pretending to be hurt. a smug grin spreads on his lips. jeonghan sees the passers-by glancing at the scene, whispering amongst themselves.

 

rumors will surely fly around campus and there will surely be different versions of it. people like to twist stories for different reasons. jeonghan is too tired to dispel them. there have been too many.

 

the park becomes his escape. its situated near the parking lot so it doesn't take him long to walk there. once there, he spreads his jacket out on the grass and lays on top of it underneath the shade of a cherry blossom tree.

 

with a small smile, he watches as the light pink petals ride with the wind, the tree rustling on top of him. some sunlight peeks through the gaps and he raises his arm, covering his eyes from its harshness.

 

in this area of the school, he feels at peace. since the ghost rumors he started in his first year, no one ever bothered to stroll past it on the way to the parking lot. only some teachers did who had the guts to face them. one of the art department’s teachers even brought a protective charm with him every day to fend them off. it’s hilarious to watch him chant prayers.

 

"there goes _that_ exam."

 

jeonghan cranes his neck a little to the side towards the source of the voice. his features shift from relaxed to happy because of the familiar faces

 

"soonyoung," he greets them, smiling. "and who's that behind you?"

 

kwon soonyoung is one of the many good looking guys in his university and his good friend. but his smile widens when he sees jisoo, who is an equally attractive same aged friend. it feels good being surrounded by good looking people. especially jisoo, who he had made out with a couple of times, drunk. they even came close to something more but jisoo always told jeonghan that they can't be more than that.

 

jeonghan has too much self respect to even admit he had a crush on jisoo once upon a blue moon, hence why he had acted that way. mingyu would kill him right now if he saw how he is acting. his best friend didn’t like his...creative ways of getting attention.

 

"ey. as if you don't know," soonyoung replies, plopping on the space beside jeonghan. jisoo follows, his smile looking as if it is permanently plastered on his face.

 

"we have met," jisoo says as he casts a meaningful smile at jeonghan.

 

jeonghan grins. "oh really? do enlighten me cause my memory seems to be failing me."

 

to this, jisoo laughs, looking directly at jeonghan. "and i thought i left a deep impression. it seems that--"

 

"cut it out, you guys are giving me goosebumps," soonyoung interrupts, even shuddering to emphasize.

 

the both of them laugh and jeonghan scoots over to pat the space beside him. jisoo takes a seat, thanking the other.

 

"what brings you here?" jeonghan finally asks.

 

soonyoung grins. "party? next saturday? hansol's hosting one. samuel's coming too."

 

"really?" jeonghan smiles, a fond memory of a little boy clinging onto him resurfacing. "he's back already?"

 

"yeah! it seems that it's for good this time. so he's gathering everyone. even jihoon and the others are coming."

 

at the mention of jihoon, jeonghan couldn't help but smirk. "oh we _definitely_ have to go then. i'll drag mingyu along."

 

"sweet!" soonyoung says, glancing at jisoo. "you can come too, if you want?"

 

jisoo shakes his head. "i have church on saturday."

 

"ah," soonyoung and jeonghan both say at the same time.

 

"that's nice," jeonghan adds.

 

"your efforts at sincerity warms the heart, jeonghan," jisoo says in an amused tone.

 

"oh i'm always sincere when it comes to you, my love."

 

"here we fucking go _again_."

  


* * *

  


when mingyu sees jeonghan walking towards him accompanied by jisoo, he feels a mixture of emotions. he hasn't picked jeonghan up in a while so he didn't know they even attended the same school.

 

mingyu had seen way too many of jeonghan's drunk make out sessions with different guys and girls (just because he can) when they are out clubbing. jisoo seems like a recurring cast in them. it bothers him more than it should.

 

"mingyu! great timing!" jeonghan greets, running towards him to cling onto his arm.

 

"hm?" mingyu asks, grinning. "what is it?"

 

_are they dating????_

 

"samuel's coming back! for good!"

 

mingyu's eyes widen and soon, his smile spreads so wide on his lips his cheeks hurt. "seriously?! when?!"

 

"next week, it seems," jisoo answers. mingyu's lip twitches as he registers that the other had used informal speech.

 

jeonghan nods, smiling. "mhm! the others are coming to visit too. so we'll be complete. you're free on saturday, yes?"

 

of course he is. but he wants jeonghan to want him there. just for affirmation. nothing else. so he bites the inside of his cheek, looking away to pretend he is thinking very hard on this.

 

"you can't? that means we'll go there together then, jisoo."

 

"fine by me."

 

"did i say i wasn't coming?" mingyu asks, eyes widening threateningly.

 

jeonghan lets go of mingyu's arm and stands very closely beside jisoo instead. "i haven't introduced you to the others yet so it'll be perfect if the two of us go."

 

mingyu wishes he could strangle the church boy.

 

they proceed to talk amongst themselves on the way home, blatantly ignoring mingyu. it is a very old trick in jeonghan's book but it never fails to reduce mingyu into looking like a dog that just got his treat stolen from him.

 

finally, jisoo's stop arrives and he waves goodbye to him and jeonghan. mingyu doesn't return it and stands up to sit beside jeonghan.

 

they both sit in silence, and mingyu couldn't find a more comfortable place than this other than his bed. jeonghan is busy staring outside the window, deep in thought. the bus is mostly empty save for them and mingyu enjoys their ride home because of this.

 

however, time flies by quick and soon he is lying down on his bed, dozing off into a deep slumber.

 

* * *

 

 

"so he sent you a katalk message?" mingyu asks.

 

he and jeonghan are sprawled on the couch of jeonghan's house that sunday. jeonghan's mother had invited mingyu over earlier in the week since she is making spicy beef soup. as if mingyu doesn't usually spend every day at the yoon's house to actually need an invitation. still, he adores jeonghan's mother too much to decline. so he cancels his plan with seungkwan to eat sush that day.

 

jeonghan nods. "yeah. i mean, he's been giving me the look already for the past few months. i don't know what took him so long. it felt like i was in some manhwa."

 

a snort comes from mingyu. "what did the message say?"

 

"hi, it's choi seungcheol from the law department."

 

"that's it?" mingyu could think of a dozen things to say to jeonghan if he were in the shoes of this choi seungcheol.

 

jeonghan nods.

 

"yah," mingyu says, scratching his nape irritably. "if he really is this mysterious, sexy, with eyes that sparkle like diamonds...then isn't he me? and you already know i'm not the straightest in the spaghetti bunch.”

 

apparently, only mingyu thinks this is funny. jeonghan mimics the act of gagging and stands up but mingyu pulls him down, laughing at his reaction.

 

"i just don't want you getting attached to some dude who might just be interested in you because you look prettier than any girl in your campus."

 

jeonghan turns to look at mingyu. "you really think he's like that?"

 

"it's happened before." shrugging, he adjusts the pillow on his lap idly, looking down at it. "i just don't want you--"

 

"save it," jeonghan says, snorting. "that's always what you think about every guy that attempts to get closer to me. don't act like an ex. it's disgusting."

 

oh.

 

mingyu stops playing with the embroided pattern on the pillow sheets. his whole body stills and there is nothing but a dull ache in his chest. jeonghan has said those words many times ever since they "broke up" in high school.

 

it started off as an experiment the both of them had agreed on. they even signed a contract written on the back of a flyer they found lying around in the sidewalk. their handwriting was messy and the conditions even more so.

 

one was "don't touch my dick" and the other was "don't call me your boyfriend". both of these points were written by jeonghan. mingyu, at that time, was okay with that. all he wanted at that time was to really know if the feelings he carried in his chest that made him feel so many weird things all at once were authentic. that it wasn't because of puberty or the lack of girls that thought he was worth their time. (he knows now that the girls actually thought he was intimidating).

 

that he did -- still does -- like jeonghan. despite the nagging, the lack of thank yous and the way he seems to forget that he confessed his _real_ feelings three years ago. and it wasn't because they were drunk or sleepy or made out. it was said while they were both lying down like this, content and at peace in each other’s company.

 

but mingyu didn't dare bring up the past ever since jeonghan explicitly told him he was indeed gay and that the contract didn’t have any purpose. in other words, he didn't need mingyu.

 

mingyu regains a bit of himself and finds the willpower to laugh. "we were exes?"

 

jeonghan doesn't notice the lifelessness in his voice but mingyu notices how uncomfortable the topic makes him. there is a subtle scowl on the other's lips that makes mingyu feel even shittier. so he stands up and says he needs to take a piss.

 

with heavy steps, he walks to the bathroom and closes the door behind him. he sits on the toilet seat and buries his head in his hands.

 

perhaps it really is time to stop acting like a tool.

 

after all, it isn't as if jeonghan needs him. not in the way he wants, at least. and he will feel better at the end of the day, knowing that jeonghan will meet a person more deserving of him.

 

smiling as best as he could, he finally stands up and washes his face by the sink. the mirror shows a reflection of his face, water running down it. he looks at his own eyes and tries to smile his biggest smile, his pointy canines showing.

 

"you'll be fine, kim mingyu."

 

for now, he doesn't mean it. but he hopes one day he will.

 

when he emerges from the bathroom, jeonghan is seen falling asleep with his mouth hanging open and the remote controller for the tv almost falling from his hand.

 

mingyu pries it from him and adjusts his position from sitting to lying down. the sleeping jeonghan groans. he is about to flick the other’s forehead but his mother enters the scene. characteristically so, she gushes about how kind he is but mingyu is too numb to react. he simply asks her for a blanket that he drapes it over jeonghan's body.

 

and that is how mingyu leaves him, without a second glance. he feels like it's some sort of poetic and beautiful scene that could be found in a drama. but really, he has snot running down his nose throughout the whole time. he also trips on the welcome mat and his sobbing continues even as he closes the door to his room.

 

he sobs and sobs the whole afternoon and he wishes the tears will drown him. the dull ache from all those years grows into a larger ache that spreads throughout his body, making him wail out in pain.

 

his mother knocks on his door but he doesn't let her in. he doesn’t want to talk about it. he doesn’t want to hear that it’s just a phase or that he’ll find someone better.

 

mingyu always know how to fix and make things. once he sets his mind on a certain thing, he doesn't give up on it. not the old cpu minseo had had since she was thirteen. or learning how to properly fix pipes, cook, play the guitar or jeonghan. which makes people like jeonghan's mother rely on him. and he lets out broken sobs because this time, he can't think of anything to do to make things better. all he could do is feel his heart get torn apart by his heartbreak.

 

this is the first and last time, mingyu vows once his sobs calms down into sniffs, that he'll ever cry because of yoon jeonghan.

 

which is a lie. and he'll probably fail. but he figures he could at least set it as one of his life goals.

  


* * *

  


 

_boo seungkwan is dead to me._

 

mingyu repeats this in his head for the umpteenth time. he wants to scream at his friend for even looking the slightest bit pitiful, making mingyu struggle to say no as a reply to his request.

 

"mingyu. my dude. my bro before any hoe. the side dish to my main meal. the--"

 

"why am i a side dish?"

 

seungkwan laughs and sits beside mingyu on one of the benches in campus. mingyu is busy reading his lecture notes and would rather not be bothered. but like so many people in his life, seungkwan is oblivious of his wish for a peaceful and quiet study time.

 

"fine, you'll be the main meal if you help me with something."

 

"pass," mingyu replies, not even looking up as he scribbles on his notebook.

 

seungkwan laughs nervously, inching closer. "yah, kim mingyu. did you cry because of jeonghan? i know--"

 

"okay what is it?" mingyu lays his pen flat on top of his book, glaring at the younger.

 

"did that really work? seokmin just recommended it to me. wah, you really do like jeo--"

 

"time, boo."

 

"right!" seungkwan says brightly, avoiding mingyu's glare. "so...it's really simple. i swear it will take less than five minutes you're just going to give this money to a certain student. tell him it's from me, okay? and that's it."

 

"why can't you do it yourself?" mingyu inquires.

 

"BECAUSE HE IS GOING TO HAVE MY HEAD IF HE SEES ME AGAIN! OH MY GOD HE IS SO SCARY.  HE GLARED AT ME, MINGYU. HE WANTS ME DEAD. THEY SAID HIS FATHER CRACKED SOMEONE'S SKULL OPEN WITH ONE HAND AND--"

 

"oh, him," mingyu says thoughtfully, ignoring seungkwan's antics.

 

"--HE HIMSELF CAN CRACK WALNUTS OPEN USING HIS PINKY! _HIS FUCKING PINKY_! MINGYU!"

 

"minghao. xu minghao. department of performing arts' ace. he's a bboy right?" mingyu asks, rubbing his chin.

 

"yes," seungkwan answers as he takes a deep breath.

 

"then why the fuck do i need to talk to him for you? why can't you just do it yourself?"

 

"didn't you hear what i just said?"

 

"i did. but what happened?"

 

and mingyu could see seungkwan's whole body shake in fear as he retells his story. the other wasn't taking no for an answer either. mingyu knew him well enough to know that he'll continue to beg until mingyu's ears bleeds.

 

so here he is, asking around to find where this xu minghao lurks in his free time. it is lunch and the first place he searches is the cafeteria. he isn't there but he does buy red bean bread and iced coffee to snack on as he moves on. he asks along the way and he immediately regrets. some of them told him that he was hunting in the woods for rabbits or he's looking for fights with high school kids. he realizes quickly that no one can give him a serious answer and he gives up.

 

by the time he had finished running around campus, he thinks of one more place not many would frequent. from the one time he encountered minghao on the way to school, he seemed like he was the quiet type. he has his head down, hands in his pockets and his hood up, covering his face. usually, he sees other students walk with each other in a group.

 

mingyu remembers hearing the other students whispering as they stare at him. and he figures he would rather be someplace where he can be at peace.

 

he is surprised, however, when he finds him in the rooftop. the surprise is mostly because he didn't think his deduction skills are that impressive. but he thanks himself and observes it it's safe to approach xu minghao.

 

he is seated on his blazer and eating lunch. the rumors do him no justice. with it off, mingyu can tell that he is quite lanky with long legs and arms, a small face that could certainly earn him a pass at being a celebrity. from what he can see, his hair is dyed a warm chocolate brown, the roots already showing his natural hair color. looking at him from the side, munching on egg rolls, he really doesn't look like he can crack walnuts open with only one hand. or that he hunts for his own food in the woods. picking on high school kids seems more plausible. mingyu does so. especially when they try to make a move on his sister.

 

mingyu thanks his thick skin because it allows him to approach minghao confidently. he doesn't cower in fear for his life. mainly because he asks himself, _what else could go wrong after yesterday?_ without asking, he lays beside minghao's sitting form, panting.

 

minutes tick by and minghao doesn't even bother to acknowledge his presence or comment. mingyu just looks at the vast sky, inhaling the scent of spring. once he wasn't out of breath, he fishes the envelope from his pocket and sits up as he does so.

 

minghao looks at him this time and mingyu notes that there is nothing hostile about the way he is being looked at. there is more curiosity in the other's eyes than anything. he really doesn't strike mingyu as the person depicted in the rumors.

 

"my friend has a debt to pay. he couldn't come so he asked me to give you this." stretching his hand out, he hands the thick envelope to minghao. "it's for your laptop, yes?"

 

minghao nods. "yeah. i need it for the repair fee."

 

"your dad can't help you pay for it?" mingyu inquires.

 

the chinese boy shakes his head, stuffing the money inside his backpack. he does the same to his lunch box and water bottle. "he's overseas. i live alone. my savings can't cover it. plus, your friend is the reason why it's broken."

 

"oh," mingyu says in response, nodding. a slight accent can be heard as he speaks in korean. mingyu smiles a little, finding it endearing.

 

"is there anything else?"

 

snapping out of his reverie, he shakes his head and grins. "nah. you're really chill, though."

 

"was i expected to eat you alive?" minghao asks, arching a brow.

 

this makes mingyu laugh and he waves a dismissive hand. of course he'd be aware of the rumors. "no, no. that's the other kids. i came here expecting that, but a small part of myself was hoping i'll still be alive after this. after all, i need my friend to pay me back for being his errand boy cause he was too scared to meet you himself."

 

minghao laughs. it's an abrupt and short sound and it catches him off guard. so much so that his eyes widen and his cheeks flush a light pink. mingyu smiles at this, again finding something interesting about the chinese transfer student.

 

"kim mingyu. department of architecture," he says, introducing himself with a small grin. "born in '97, you?"

 

"xu minghao. department of performing arts," he says slowly, looking at mingyu curiously. "we're the same age."

 

"wah, really? can we be friends then?"

 

minghao is silent for a few moments that mingyu things he is being too forward, though minghao finally he finally nods. the smile minghao gives him tells him that he isn't being forced at all.

 

mingyu stands up then, losing his balance as he does so but he regains it quickly so he doesn't embarrass himself in front of his new friend. he is dusting off the dirt on his jeans as he says his farewell. "well, since i've delivered my message i'll take my leave. it's a good thing i'll live to tell this tale of me getting this close to the great xu minghao."

 

minghao shakes his head, a hint of a smile playing on his lips. "i don't crack walnuts with my bare hand. that's what a nutcracker is for. plus, i hate walnuts. i also don't hunt for food since i'm fully capable of buying my own food from the grocery. and for the record," minghao pauses and his smile had grown into a large one that makes him look childish. "the only truth in these rumors is that my dad _is_ part of the chinese mafia."

 

"well then." mingyu blinks, taking in all of this new information that makes him laugh. "i'm glad to hear that my wishes for all of them to be untrue is unfulfilled. but i think your dad being part of the mafia is still enough reason for me to be scared."

 

minghao rolls his eyes. "mhm, sure."

 

mingyu lets out another laugh. "i'll see you around, xu minghao."

 

"see you around, kim mingyu."

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was supposed to be a single chapter fic. but with the amount of words already, i thought i will split them up to make it more bearable to read. i've been working on this for the last few months since i finished "i'm fine". i love this baby so much and i hope you guys enjoy it.


	2. the second step

"you're really alive."

 

seungkwan scans mingyu from head to toe, even poking his chest, arm and his cheek to check that he truly is unscathed from his so-called "battle" with xu minghao. they are sitting inside a quaint little cafe, seungkwan helping mingyu with his presentation of a model he recently came up with.

 

after yesterday, mingyu decides it is best to divert his attention to something more productive and a new person in his life. talking about minghao is a topic he enjoys, seungkwan’s fear his fuel to only talk about him more despite their rather short encounter.

 

"yes, i am. and we're _friends_ now," mingyu responds nonchalantly as he swats away seungkwan's inquiring hand from his face.

 

seungkwan rubs his hand with a frown. "i find that hard to believe. then again, you’re bad at making decisions. most of all, decisions involving people."

 

"...he's really not the slightest bit like the rumors, you know.”

 

"suddenly you're an expert on him?"

 

"no," mingyu answers with a frown, idly playing with a sugar packet. it irks him that others would so willingly believe such ridiculous rumors about someone who seemed harmless. he's even cute. "what i'm saying is, people are quick to believe what others say rather than finding out for themselves."

 

seungkwan takes a bite of his croissant, eyeing mingyu. "is he really that nice?" he asks in between munches.

 

mingyj believes those twenty minutes were enough for him to say that minghao isn't _that_ bad so he nods. "yeah. and he laughs kind of weirdly. like he doesn't want to laugh too much and too loudly. he also has a cute accent. it sounds funny when he tries to pronounce certain words. but even if he's only been here for a short period of time, his korean is actually decent."

 

"wow. i haven't heard you talk about someone in detail other than jeonghan. not even me. i almost feel offended. i'm gonna report to seokmin."

 

"be sure to tell him i dropped jeonghan."

 

"YOU WHAT?!"

 

mingyu's eyes narrow into slits at his friend whose voice could be heard from miles away, disturbing the other people sitting comfortably in the cafe. some of them turn their heads as expected and mingyu suddenly wants to hide behind his apartment model made out of styrofoam and cardboard. seungkwan takes a moment to read the situation and he flushes a little in embarrassment.

 

"you what?!" he repeated in a more hushed tone.

 

mingyu shrugs as if it'll make the sting any less painful. for some reason, it has a different effect once he voiced it out. instead of looking at seungkwan, he opens the sugar packet and pours every last bit in his latte. “i decided i won't feel the way i do anymore. and that i won't be a 'tool', as seokmin puts it. and-- wait, you're not messaging him now, are you?"

 

seungkwan grins and suddenly mingyu feels stupid for concealing his emotions. "oh i sure as hell am. he'll be the happiest to hear this."

 

a groan slips past his lips. it is to be expected, he figures, knowing how long his friends have been wanting for him to truly move on. the two even express the desire to celebrate tonight and in true seokmin and seungkwan fashion, this means going to a karaoke place and getting drunk. the duo could form their own group at this point, with how talented they both are at entertaining. mingyu already feels exasperated at the thought. what’s sad is that he couldn't even excuse himself from this 'moving on party' since he's finished his projects already with seungkwan's help.

 

and maybe, deep inside, he didn't want to make excuses and whole-heartedly wanted to be as happy as they are that he is _finally_  moving on.

 

he takes a sip of his latte, wincing at the overwhelming sweetness as he watches seungkwan laugh while he's typing away on his phone.

 

due to his reactions, mingyu regrets telling him a little bit. there is not one bit of sympathy from the younger, only sheer joy. mingyu can commend him for trying at least, especially he puts his phone down with the largest grin stretching on his lips and asks, "did something happen, by the way?" 

 

 _some friend you are_ , he thinks, rolling his eyes before he looks away, staring at the wall decorated with polaroids that the customers left. he sees a few of his and his friends in them. not with seungkwan and seokmin. but jeonghan and their friend circle all the way from middle school to high school. fewer of them can be seen after high school, after their paths branch out to their different directions. mingyu recalls the fond memories when they used to frequent this cafe a lot due to its practical location. it is nestled closest to all of them, especially jeonghan and mingyu's houses.

 

in each of the photographs, mingyu sees a reluctant jeonghan beside him wearing a forced smile. the others’ smiles shine brightly in comparison, and he wonders briefly if they will be complete this weekend.

 

_it will be great to see all of them. just like the old times. maybe._

 

"nah," he lies, taking one last sip of caffeine, noting the transparent texture underneath his cup from the sugar. "it just happened."

 

"okay," seungkwan says slowly, disbelieving, but he doesn't push for answers. once mingyu is drunk enough, the truth will reveal itself. "we're here for you, though."

 

mingyu nods, turning to look at him with a forced smile. "i know."

 

and he does. no matter how much he wants to strangle seungkwan, he appreciates it. deep, deep, deep inside.

 

"oh."

 

mingyu's eyes widen once a familiar figure belonging to xu minghao enters the cafe. he is mildly surprise, knowing that not many people do visit the cafe in this area. most of the faces he sees when he visits are familiar ones.

 

confused at his friend's sudden reaction, seungkwan turns on his seat and follows mingyu's line of vision. the moment he realizes who it is, he almost chokes on his frappe, setting it down on the table. quickly, he gathers his things in and tells mingyu to call him later for their meet up.

 

mingyu nods, distracted, since he couldn't help but just look at xu minghao ordering the last cheesecake the cafe has to offer for the day. he faintly recalls asking the cashier to reserve it for him. mingyu loves cheesecakes, especially the plain ones with nothing but the crumbly cookie layer underneath and the lovely taste of cream cheese mixture. and this coffee shop offers the best cheesecake he has ever tasted.

 

while mingyu is quick to notice the other, it takes minghao a few minutes to recognize him.

 

minghao walks away from the counter with the tray in his hand, orders on top of it it. careful not to spill his caramel frappe, he focuses mainly on his tray. he looks up momentarily to scan the area for a vacant spot, only to spot mingyu staring at him blatantly. he hesitates a bit before he walks towards mingyu's table.

 

the chinese mafia’s son is wearing the most obnoxious bucket hat, a loose-fitting black shirt and baggy jeans. if mingyu were to be honest, he did not want to be seen with someone wearing a bucket hat. but since they are friends, mingyu smiles to welcome him, pulling a chair back so he can sit on it.

 

"hi," he greets in an almost awkward fashion, eyes hidden underneath the hat.

 

mingyu grins, flashing the other his pearly whites. "hi. fancy seeing you here.”

 

once minghao is seated, mingyu makes space on the tabls by closing his sketchpad and shoving his drawing utensils in his pencil case. his model is carefully placed on a spare chair.

 

 minghao sets the brown tray on the table, lifting up the plate with the cheesecake and sets it down in front of mingyu. unintentionally, of course, but mingyu focus on it like a hawk eyeing its prey as minghao returns the tray to the cashier and asks for a glass of lemon water.

 

minghao is silent, trying to understand why mingyu is looking at him with sparkling eyes. they weren't close enough for him to be staring like that and it freaks minghao out.

 

"so!" the other exclaims, grin still very wide. "what brings you here?"

 

minghao uses a small silver fork (mingyu is very thankful for that cause some people use a teaspoon which is disrespectful towards cake culture) to cut his first bit of cheesecake. "i was in the area."

 

"ah...right. sorry for that." mingyu notices minghao’s slight discomfort and reserved way of speaking compared to their last meeting which makes mingyu feel apologetic. perhaps he is too excited and obvious?

 

minghao shakes his head, focusing on eating instead. "it's okay."

 

"i'm glad you think so. it actually feels weird seeing you for the second time today," mingyu confesses, eyes following each cheesecake bite that minghao devours. he swallows, eyes that are sensitive to detail taking note of the thickness of the sour cream, cheese, eggs and sugar layer. just from observing it, he knows that the consistency is _perfect_.

 

"how come?"

 

mingyu laughs, a bit distracted. "just because."

 

minghao sets his fork down on the small plate. mingyu does not have the self-restraint to hide his fixation over the cake and he honestly could never eat when someone is staring at him this closely and intensely. he thought at first that mingyu is staring at him but the other's eyes seem to follow his fork more than his face. "do you want some?"

 

the amount of joy mingyu feels when he hears those words are intense and easily noticeable. the chinese male almost finds it childish but he doesn’t voice it out as the other nods without hesitation, not even noticing the mild irritation in his tone.

 

"you've been staring for a while," minghao points out, handing him the extra spoon. he pushes the plate closer towards him, and mingyu’s bright ‘mhm!’ makes him chuckle, irritation simmering away eventually.

 

"i just _love_ cheesecake," mingyu says and takes his first bite. he lets the rich and creamy texture and flavors roll on his tongue and closes his eyes to let out a content sigh. "i used to have it every day here when i was in high school. so much that i wanted to make my own. but every cheesecake is unique so it’s hard to mimic. you can never run out of things to make into cheesecake. the limit is your imagination. and culinary skills."

 

"...you talk a lot." minghao has stopped eating his half of the cheesecake, now looking at mingyu with a pair of curious brown eyes. mingyu almost feels apologetic again because of his little tangent.

 

mingyu meets his eyes, however, and smiles. "i don't usually. you're just comfortable to talk with, is all."

 

there is surprise in minghao's eyes, the first genuine emotion other than amusement and blankness, and he looks down to hide it. mingyu notes how the tips of his ears are colored a pink shade and again, lists this in the things that he's found interesting about the other.

 

 

* * *

 

 

mingyu is ignoring him and he has half the mind to march to his room and _strangle_ him.

 

jeonghan wouldn't care if it were another person but mingyu is, at the end of the day, his _best friend_. and he does need mingyu that day to tell him that choi seungcheol, the guy who keeps checking him out in the library, actually asked earlier if he wanted to grab coffee after school on monday. there was no romantic gesture, only a text he suddenly received in the middle of a class that day.  jeonghan had let a few minutes pass before answering a rather plain, "sure" with a smiling character sticker but deep inside he could feel his whole body rejoice.

 

he loves coffee and he loves the fact that it is seungcheol who asked first after months of not having one decent conversation between the two of them. stick the two together every monday and he might just have more energy to start the week and go to school.

 

after seungcheol had asked and excused himself, jeonghan finds every little ounce of his whole being trying not to flirt with him. after all, an attack too early in the game and he might scare him away.

 

 

> **to: babogyu**
> 
>  
> 
> where are you?
> 
>  
> 
> **to: babogyu**
> 
>  
> 
> are you ignoring me????
> 
>  
> 
> **to: babogyu**
> 
>  
> 
> i will skin you alive if you don't answer me
> 
>  

still. no. answer. it had been two hours since he sent those messages. mingyu always answers within the first hour unless he's asleep or studying. jeonghan feels strongly that the other is doing either of those and having enough of waiting and hating and being ignored, he jogs to mingyu's house.

 

"oh, jeonghan ah! it's been a while!" mingyu's mother greets, ushering him inside. the old woman is in her early forties but could still find it in her tiny body to set mingyu straight. and while she's always been very kind and gentle towards him, jeonghan had been witness to her scary transformation once angry. he would like to think he would be the same if he had a son like mingyu.

 

"is mingyu around, auntie?" he inquires politely, smiling.

 

the older woman shakes her head, fixing her messy bun. "he isn't. he sent me a text earlier that he'll be home late."

 

"huh..." jeonghan processes this information for a little, smiling and excusing himself so that he can find mingyu and leave her to clean.

 

he tries to call, of course, but mingyu doesn't answer. a part of him worries that his best friend had gotten himself in an accident of some sort. he really is rather clumsy despite being reliable. plus, he makes bad choices almost all of the time. 

 

worry eats at him a little so he decides to search the places mingyu often visits. the cafe, of course, is his first stop. he had grown tired of the cheesecake mingyu often eats there. ever since they discovered it all those years ago, he would always spend his allowance buying it. sharing isn't an option even and jeonghan recalls when he bought mingyu a whole cake from the shop for their graduation. the two of them finished it in a few hours. mingyu, mostly, since he himself doesn’t have much of a sweet tooth.

 

when he turns around the corner and spots a familiar side profile, he clenches his fists. the cafe is rather small with a western country vibe to it because of the wooden pillars and window panes. its exterior is painted with pleasant rose quartz and teal accents while its interior (the furniture) are all in white and cream.

 

he runs inside, pushing the door open and stomps to mingyu's table. it takes him a moment to stop and read the situation. mingyu can be seen laughing with the boy he is talking with and quite loudly at that. the boy laughs along with him, and it makes jeonghan stop in his tracks. there is also this certain aura wrapping around them, the kind that makes someone that isn’t as familiar with mingyu as he is, hesitate to approach them.

 

worry turns quickly into anger but as always, he smiles pleasantly and assumes a friendly demeanor the closer he is to their table.

 

"why hello there," he sing songs, hand landing on mingyu's shoulder. he squeezes it, using every bit of strength he has, making mingyu wince.

 

"ow! what the fuck, jeonghan?" mingyu asks, eyebrows furrowing as he rubs the now sore spot. he pushes jeonghan’s hand off of him, not seeing jeonghan’s surprise.

 

"are you okay?" the stranger with the ridiculous bucket hat asks and jeonghan is offended that mingyu would ignore his calls for this stranger.

 

jeonghan bites back a rude comment. "he is."

 

"uhhh i'm not?" mingyu says, looking at his newfound friend with his lower lip jutting out slightly. "what do you want anyways? and by the way, minghao this is jeonghan. jeonghan, meet minghao."

 

"chinese?" jeonghan asks, looking down at the other to scrutinize his appearance.

 

 _he is cute_ , jeonghan guesses. his small face frames large and observant eyes which are trying to assess the situation he is currently in. even without base make-up on (jeonghan could tell) he looks like he has smooth and supple skin. the tip of his nose is a bit too round for jeonghan's liking but he doesn't look _bad_. which surprises him, since jeonghan’s standards are very high.

 

minghao nods, bowing his head a little in greeting.

 

 _not much of a talker now that i’m here, is he?_ “nice to meet you. can he understand korean?”

 

mingyu smiles as if he’s the sun personified. "yup, he's been living here for around three years already. his korean is excellent."

 

 _i don't care about his korean speaking skill, mingyu. i just need to know if he understands so i can tell him we’re leaving._ "that's great. mind if i steal _my_ best friend for a little bit?"

 

minghao shakes his head, pushing himself off of the armchair. "it's fine. i already stayed for too long." he slings his backpack on his shoulder, bowing at the two. "thank you. see you at school, mingyu. and nice to meet you, jeonghan."

 

_i can’t believe he thinks i’m the same age as them… these damn foreigners._

 

once he leaves, jeonghan sits on the armchair he had previously occupied and steals mingyu's drink. mingyu is still waving at minghao even if he doesn’t look back.

 

"he's cool, right?" mingyu asks him, genuinely seeking jeonghan’s approval.

 

it irks him that he knows mingyu well enough to read him this well. he knows that his opinion is important to him so he always asks, no matter how useless the topic is. "we barely talked, mingyu." _what is there to like anyways?_

 

"right," mingyu says, laughing. "so what's up? you wanted to talk about something?"

 

"me and seungcheol are going out for coffee next week. he finally made the move.” jeonghan wears a triumphant smirk, eyeing his best friend carefully after his announcement.

 

jeonghan predicts his reaction, basing it off of their little episode the other day, and his retort is already on the tip of his tongue.

 

"that's good."

 

"listen, he might actually-- _what_?"

 

with a shrug, mingyu gives jeonghan a bright smile. "that's good. you've been wanting progress for months, right? you have it now. i'm happy for you."

 

there is not a trace of sarcasm, which the older finds hard to believe. mingyu always reacts to his love life. and quite strongly, occasionally.  jeonghan observes him closely, trying to spot a sign that will tell him mingyu means the exact opposite. there is nothing but genuine happiness reflected in his eyes.

 

a bit disappointed, jeonghan is, so he finds it difficult to reply right away.

 

"huh," he finally says. "that was easy."

 

mingyu smiles as he starts putting his things inside his backpack while the model is carefully placed inside a box. "i realized i was really acting like an idiot the other day. i've been reflecting, that's why i wasn't answering your texts and calls. i can’t keep my best friend all to myself, and just because i don’t have a love life, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t."

 

"and your change of heart is because you got yourself a chinese boyfriend who goes to the same school?" jeonghan inquires with a scoff.

 

"nah, we just started talking. plus, i don’t think he’s into guys." mingyu bites the inside of his cheek thoughtfully, eyeing jeonghan with amusement twinkling in his eyes. if one were to listen in to their conversation, they would think the other is jealous. and he is, to a certain degree, but not in the way mingyu wants. 

 

(or wanted.)

 

"are you serious? you guys looked as if you've known each other for years." _like us_ , he thinks. but he bites the words back. "and what if he is into guys? he doesn't really scream straight to me."

 

mingyu shakes his head again. "i just feel comfortable around him, nothing more."

 

jeonghan watches, eyes scanning every inch of his best friend to again, find a sign that he is acting weird. he just can'y believe that he's reacting normally to all of this. to top it off, he seems to be more interested in talkin about this minghao dude.

 

however, his train of thought halts when he notices that mingyu is already walking towards the door. so he follows and they are greeted by the chilly night, remnants of winter still in the air.

 

"that's good," jeonghan says, though he is still skeptical. “isn’t he that dude who picks on little kids as a past time?”

 

mingyu’s smile does not falter and he couples it with a laugh and shrug. he figures seokmin might have something to do with this little bit of information reaching jeonghan. but he doesn't mind. 

 

jeonghan isn’t certain whether mingyu’s actions troubled him or relieved him of some form of guilt from yesterday. he realizes tonight that mingyu hasn’t had any opportunity to get to know other people his age, aside from seokmin. despite how annoying mingyu is, jeonghan knows that he is partially at fault for being a handful. mingyu spends way too much of his time taking care of him, after all. and while he is flattered that mingyu chooses his company over others, he can't expect the younger to not be comfortable around others.

 

as his best friend, he should be happy that he’s gaining some friends and in a genuine attempt to act the way a best friend should, he links arms with mingyu that day as they walk home.

 

he finds peace in the familiarity of their little bubble and knows that new faces will come and go but their bond will remain strong.

 

 

* * *

 

 

mingyu, seungkwan and seokmin are really loud together.

 

they order food and drinks like madmen as well from the karaoke joint near their former high school. the entrance is a small door with the karaoke led sign blinking oddly. once you descend the stairs, you’ll be greeted by a boorish clerk behind the counter then asked to sign your name on a worn down leather notebook. the hallways are narrow and some of the couches inside the rooms need reupholstering but they still have the best food hence why the trio still frequent it. plus, they get extra servings since the owner really likes having them around.

 

after their sixth song, the three of them collapse on the worn down black leather couch, breathless. mingyu wipes the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand and uses the same hand to lazily dunk it in the pile of nachos, munching on it with a smile.

 

“let’s lay off the nachos then,” seungkwan says in disgust, taking the plateful of kimbap to himself to save it from the older’s clutches.

 

mingyu pretends to not hear it and eats more of the nachos while seokmin chugs a whole can of cola and takes a piece of kimbap from seungkwan. “agreed,” he says, looking at the plate of nachos as if it were infected. it probably is.

 

“jeonghan and i talked the other day,” mingyu says finally.

 

the food is soon forgotten, his friends moving closer to hear the juicy details. upon arriving earlier, seokmin had attempted to get mingyu to spill the story but the other simply insisted they sing since they’ll run out of time. so they indulged him, and now the two could barely hold in their excitement.

 

“he...he and seungcheol are going on a date.”

 

_holy shitfuck_

 

_motherfucking shitfuck._

 

mingyu swallows, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. although it didn’t hurt when jeonghan had told him a few days ago, thinking about it now hurt. he recalls how happy and proud jeonghan looked and the stinging in his chest grows. mingyu pops open a can of beer and chugs the contents down, daring to continue.

 

“he came over the cafe to brag. i didn’t even...it didn’t register before today. i was just happy talking to minghao. he’s such a breath of fresh air. so i completely just--”

 

“stop. pause,” seokmin says, holding a palm up. mingyu and minghao…. _talking_? “you and minghao are on speaking terms now?”

  
  
“mingyu, we know you’re friendly and everything…” seungkwan sneaks in. “but you can’t be _this_ friendly. minghao may look like a barbecue stick compared to you but he is dangerous.”

 

he frowns at the both of them. “the only rumor about him that is true is that his dad is part of the chinese mafia. he’s pretty chill and i feel comfortable around him. besides, that’s not the point. jeonghan and seungcheol are going to have a date. what if…” mingyu pauses, taking a deep breath. “what if they start going out after? become a couple? what am i going to do?”

 

seungkwan looks at seokmin in that eerie way they always do. they lock eyes and turn back to look at mingyu at the same time, grinning from ear to ear.

 

“you need a divine intervention,” seokmin announces dramatically.

 

seungkwan laughs, nodding. “we’re getting you drunk enough to forget about jeonghan for the night and come up with a plan tomorrow, basically.”

 

he expects nothing less from his pair of dumb friends but mingyu smiles a little. “let’s go for another round then.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

jeonghan’s phone is ringing for the sixth time and he swears he will kill the person calling in the most painful way known to man.

 

throwing his blanket off of his body, he answers the call, yelling, “some people are trying to sleep here!”

 

“jeonghan _hyung_ , it’s seungkwan,” seungkwan greets from the other line. jeonghan pushes the phone away for a little as he ears are assaulted by the loud singing in the background.

 

“yes, seungkwan. what is so important that you can’t let me sleep?” he inquires, rubbing his temples irritably.

 

“err… it’s mingyu.”

 

 _figures_. “yes, what about my stupid best friend?”

 

“seokmin and him are both very drunk and i can’t carry them out of the karaoke place. can you come over and help? it’s the one near the old high school.”

 

does he really want to carry a 186cm male who is even heavier asleep than awake? no, not really. not when his bed is the most perfect temperature to sleep in. jeonghan could already feel his body protesting at the thought. but what are best friends for, right?

 

exasperated, jeonghan sighs. “i’ll be there in fifteen.”

 

when jeonghan arrives, seungkwan is waiting by the entrance of the karaoke place. in all his years of high school in this area, he had been dragged to the karaoke about three times. nostalgia hits him and he walks towards the younger whose face lights up, elated to see him.

 

they walk through the narrow hallway, greeting the ahjumma by the counter. it's mostly seungkwan that guides him due to him not being familiar with the place. it is quiet, he notices, a contrast to the loud singing he could hear earlier. perhaps that was just seokmin singing and now that he's out cold, no one else is around. it doesn't seem like the karaoke place had that many patrons.

 

when seungkwan opens the door, jeonghan notices the messy table, plates of food and bottles of beer scattered all over it. then he notices mingyu lying down on the cold (and probably dirty) floor, a wide grin on his lips as he dreamed.

 

“how much did he drink?” jeonghan inquires, proceeding to crouch beside mingyu and pull him by the hand in a sitting position. it is difficult, with how big he is, but he manages with seungkwan’s help.

 

“i don’t know,” seungkwan confesses. once he has helped jeonghan, he tries to half piggy back half drag seokmin off of the couch and outside. he really didn't want to leave mingyu with jeonghan after everything that had happened, but he really can't carry two people around at once. “we’ll be going now. his mother will kill me if i don’t get him home by five.”

 

jeonghan nods silently, hearing the door close. no way in hell is he going to carry mingyu all the way home. his body will give out half way. he searches mingyu’s pockets for his wallet and fishes it out of his jean pocket, checking if he has his card with him. he does, much to jeonghan’s relief, since they will be able to pay for a cab ride home.

 

“oi, gyu,” he says, slapping his cheek lightly. “wake up.”

 

mingyu groans, swaying from left to right where he is sitting.

 

“gyu, wake up. we need to get you home,” jeonghan tries again, slapping his cheek with more force.

 

this rouses mingyu, his eyes fluttering open. when he lifts his head, he sees jeonghan. while his head is pounding and he feels like throwing up his whole being, he can't help but smile at jeonghan instead.

 

the older grimaces at him. “we need to go _home_ , gyu.”

 

in a valiant attempt, jeonghan pulls mingyu up but instead he gets pulled down and soon, before he is able to yell out in pain (he hit his knee against the ground and it stung like a bitch) his lips were claimed in a soft kiss.

 

shock is the first emotion that flows through his body. second is the tingling sensation that starts from his lips and ends on the tips of his toes and fingers, making his body feel weak. with eyes wide open, he looks at mingyu’s eyes which are shut, feeling the gentle and feather-light pressure of his lips against his. he smells like alcohol and fried food and jeonghan catches a taste of both on the other’s mouth. it takes him a moment to form a coherent thought and when he does, he pushes mingyu forcefully, watching him wobble. and he, fall flat on his ass on the cold ground.

 

jeonghan stands up immediately and ignores the throbbing pain in his left buttcheek, eyes still wide as they look down mingyu. the younger attempts to stand up, using the table as support and he laughs, replacing jeonghan’s shock with anger.

 

“what the fuck, mingyu?!” he asks, wiping his mouth. “get a _fucking_ grip!”

 

“i’m sorry that i like you, hyung,” mingyu blurts out, laughing again.

 

_i’m sorry that i like you, hyung._

 

jeonghan shakes his head, refusing to believe this drunk nonsense. he’s laughing now? didn’t he warn him years back that he will skin him alive if he tries any of this funny stuff again?! “is this some sort of trick you pulled with seokmin and seungkwan? if it is, it’s not very funny so cut the crap and let’s go home.”

 

“it’s true,” mingyu insists, his voice shaking. jeonghan couldn’t believe his ears. “i’ve liked you since i found out i could like a boy. i liked you when you had to shave your hair because you hated that you looked like a girl. i thought you looked beautiful, without hair and with it. i liked you before all the girls and guys knew how funny you are and how gentle you can be. i liked you way before we started our experiment and wanted it to continue because i know i will still like you after. i was right.” mingyu pauses, feeling his chest ache as well as his head. “that experiment might not have been as real to you as it was for me, and that’s okay. i still like you. i _love_ you.”

 

at every word of mingyu’s confession, jeonghan feels his whole world crumble down. memories of their friendship (and not-so friendship) come crashing down and he turns, looking at his best friend. mingyu had never looked this heartbroken in front of him. he’s always the ray of sunshine in his life. the guy who responds to his every beck and call and supports him in whatever he does. the only guy who would wake up early in the morning to drag him to school and the only guy jeonghan would follow wherever and whenever, no matter how stupid just to make sure he isn't doing it alone. the same guy who is the first (hopefully, not the last) to hold him tenderly in his arms as they share their firsts together.

 

jeonghan had ran away after and when he came back, mingyu was still there, waiting. and even that when jeonghan always tells him off, pushes him away and never says thank you for him because he is afraid mingyu will get used to his kindness. once he did, jeonghan will never be able to deny the fact that yes, there had been a possibility of them.

 

_ah, he’d always been waiting…._

 

jeonghan knows, that if he loses mingyu tonight, a big part of him will be lost with him.

 

“mingyu,” he starts, swallowing the lump in his throat. “i’m...you know that…you know that i can’t see you that way. not anymore.” mingyu steps back as if he had been pushed and jeonghan clenches his fists.

 

_i’m losing him._

 

_i’m going to lose him._

 

jeonghan closes the distance between them once he catches sight of mingyu’s tears, hugging him tightly. at the contact, younger’s whole body begins to shake with the force of his sobs. jeonghan’s heart aches for him and he hates that he is the cause of this. of all of this. “i don’t want to lose you as my best friend. you’re the only one i have.”

 

“why can’t we be together?” mingyu asks in between sobs.

 

jeongan tightens his hold around him, feeling choked up by emotion. his eyes begin to water, and it isn’t long before he is crying as well. “because you’re too precious to me. someone as pure as you deserves someone who loves you with  _every_  fibre of their being. while i love you, mingyu, i don’t love you in that way.”

 

“can’t you try? jeonghan, please…” mingyu’s sobs grow louder in volume and it rings through jeonghan’s ears and he knows that this will haunt him for the rest of his life.

 

jeonghan could only shake his head in response, shutting his eyes tight. “i did. i already did.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after months of being mia i finally updated this fic. i'm sorry for forgetting about it but real life has been a mess and i had a classic case of good ol' writer's block. i'm so thankful to @chunji for reminding me of this and for beta-ing it. this chapter's for you!


	3. the third step and its consequences

mingyu remembers the old days like they are months ago instead of years.

 

laughter drowns everything else in his memories and he’s inclined to wonder why. his childhood isn’t exactly that great, in fact it was anything but. sometimes when he thinks about it he feels his stomach turn, emotional and mental scars resurfacing.

 

when he starts doing this, mingyu thinks about the only good thing from his childhood. like meeting jeonghan and making him laugh for the first time.

 

his laugh isn’t that melodic and cheerful laugh that makes people fall in love with them straight away. his was abrupt, jagged, jumping on you like a cat that wanted to play. and he knows he didn't fall in love with jeonghan straight away.

  


 

 

jeonghan didn’t even want to hang out with him at first, he remembers.

 

sticking out like a sore thumb is mingyu's specialty. he had always been the tallest kid in class who was awkward and obnoxiously clumsy. some accident was bound to occur if he’s near which is precisely why no one approached him.

 

every waking hour, a part of him wished that he would disappear in a small ball so people wouldn’t notice him. because of that and his insecurity, if it he walked with his shoulders hunched, eyes mostly looking at his feet instead of at people.

 

his peers teased him often due to his dark complexion and height, calling him the burnt rice on the bottom of the rice cooker. at first, it didn’t get to him, the jokes. he laughed along, shifting subjects so he doesn’t feel even more embarrassed and insecure of his appearance. he would do anything just to not sit alone at lunch time or sit alone on the swings after school. they’re all children after all and he thinks they truly didn’t mean it. occasionally this would work but not always. he even started to believe them.

 

as he got older, he thought he gave people more reasons to tease and bully him. more people started calling him gross due to his rhinitis, something that got worse during the morning  and he had to take medicine for. they called him more names and laughed at him. unfortunately, he couldn’t even laugh along with them anymore.

  
  
  


“are you going to let them talk shit about you like a loser?”

 

mingyu looked up, nose running and eyes swollen from crying. he’d locked himself inside the bathroom again and only opened the door to see who was talking.

 

“what?” he asked, wiping his snot using the back of his hand.

 

in front of him, an unfamiliar face regarded him with sharp, unyielding eyes. he looked away from his gaze, sniffling quietly while murmuring a quiet, “leave me alone.”

 

“you didn’t answer my question.” the child stepped closer, looking at him. he stopped mingyu from closing the bathroom stall door with his foot due to his surprise. mingyu also thought he was going to get hit. “are you going to let them treat you like shit?”

 

“i…” mingyu straightened his back where he was sitting, hoping it will boost his confidence but he soon realized it didn’t help much. “i’m scared,” he admitted, tears prickling at the corners of his eyes.

 

“don’t be a fucking sissy. you have to stand up for yourself because no one else will. okay?”

 

his name was jeonghan, a kid who was two years older than him. but because he was close to chan, he would always visit the lower grades. and he wiped mingyu’s snot and tears with toilet paper.

 

mingyu didn’t even scold him that they were too young to say bad words.

  
  


jeonghan was teased because of another reason entirely. he kept being called a girl or ‘princess’ because of his appearance. unlike the other kids, he had fair skin and feminine features. his cheeks were usually tinted with a flattering pink as well as his lips. jeonghan didn’t like hanging out with the other kids that much too, even though he was smart and well liked by the adults because he was pretty.

 

mingyu knew that jeonghan wasn’t a bad kid when he saw him offer a girl from another class half his sandwich because she forgot her lunchbox.

 

it’s not like mingyu looked at jeonghan, really. it’s just that he’s always in his field of vision.

  


 

mingyu stood up to the bullies so suddenly that they got scared.

 

“can you stop?!” he asked suddenly, irritated as he swatted the kid’s hand away.

 

today, they decided to bully mingyu into giving them his lunch money. mingyu wasn't having it anymore. his mom worked hard for every penny he was given and if he can’t stand up for himself, he’ll stand up for his mom.

 

silence fell around him and the kid whose hand he swatted away started crying, deliberately calling the attention of the teachers. they were just outside the classroom, having a chat that was interrupted by the piercing fake cries of the child. once one rushed over, he pointed at his hand which he claimed was punched by mingyu.

 

mingyu fervently denied the accusations, feeling tears prick at the corners of his eyes due to anger. but the more he denied, the more his teacher hushed him and the cries from the other kid got louder. his hands balled into tight fists.

 

finally, when he had the guts to stand up for himself. why?

 

he thought he would actually punch someone for the first time in his life. reason left him and as he raised his fists, he apologized to his mother internally already. however before it landed, jeonghan stood in front of him suddenly. he wasn’t tall and built largely enough to actually defend him or anything. the punch missed too, thankfully. mingyu remembered not being able to speak because it’s the first time in his life someone stood up for him.  

 

“mingyu didn’t do it. mingyu just brushed that brat’s hand away because they were trying to steal his lunch money. they’ve been doing that for months so it’s natural mingyu got mad,” jeonghan explained, pointing at the crying kid. “he’s the real bad kid.”

 

“really?” the teacher asked, looking at jeonghan, mingyu then back at the crying kid. “apologize to mingyu, hamin.”

 

“b-but i didn’t---”

 

“liar,” jeonghan jumped in, staring at him with that unwavering gaze and with full conviction. jeonghan fought with words. it amazed mingyu as he told the adults of all the times mingyu and other kids were bullied. mingyu remembered staring at jeonghan’s back then in a daze.

 

so someone _was_ looking after him.

 

once they were outside of the faculty office, mingyu cried in relief and gratitude. jeonghan stared at him, snot and tears running down his face, and almost choked him with his handkerchief before leaving. ever since that day, mingyu swore that he would befriend him.

 

it took years of following and inviting himself over to jeonghan’s house before they became friends. mingyu cried when jeonghan first called him his friend. mainly because it was the first time someone ever did. jeonghan thought he was a loser and said as much.

 

soon, mingyu was a part of his daily life and even part of the reason why it was bearable. although yoon jeonghan would never admit that.

  
  


 

 

 

when mingyu wakes up the day after his confession, he cries some more.

 

jeonghan had dropped him off and left almost immediately without a word, according to his mother. he usually stays to chat with his mother, no matter how short their conversation will be. but once mingyu was in bed (with the help of mingyu’s mother) he just left.

 

while most of what happened that night is blurry, he remembers telling jeonghan that he loved him. which mingyu considers a good thing. it was the biggest mistake of his life and he would rather drink dishwashing soap than forget. the other memories resurface a few hours after.

 

it doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt any less. mingyu swears the dull ache in his chest had spread like hot fire and he wishes he could will it away.

 

mingyu wouldn’t go outside of his room. his mother had to feed him seaweed soup to cure his hangover since he was too weak from crying to do something. it’s the first time her son had looked this broken. she had tried to ask jeonghan but the other wasn’t going out of his room either, according to his mother.

 

seokmin and seungkwan text and call him throughout the whole day but he starts crying again whenever he remembers that the love he held on to for so many years will never be reciprocated. no matter what he did, how much he loved and how long he loved him, kim mingyu isn’t enough.

  


 

mingyu wakes up again to his mother laughing downstairs. he also had to pee so he pushes himself off of his bed, sluggishly with a headache from crying too much. his steps are heavy and he almost trips but thankfully catches himself before his fall, clinging to the wall.

 

once he enters the living room he sees none other than xu minghao sitting on the couch, conversing with his mother like they’d been friends for a while.

 

he stands there, stunned at this image. mingyu considers there to be levels to friendships. there are certain levels in which you are allowed to do certain things like say, borrow each other’s underwear, sexual jokes and visit the friend’s house. minghao’s level is just a tad bit above acquaintance level. meaning, the most they can do is hang out a bit after school.

 

minghao notices him first and he stands up, notifying mingyu’s mother of his presence. she looks at her son, eyes red from crying, hair a mess and looking miserable and worry clouds her features. but it is gone as quickly as it came.

 

“your friend came to visit,” she says, trying to smile.

 

“i got your address from seungkwan,” minghao explains before mingyu asks. he looks slightly embarrassed about that. “i was going to ask if you wanted to hang out.”

 

“oh,” mingyu replies, looking away. “it’s...kind of a bad time…”

 

“i asked him to stay for dinner and to come with you to hansol’s party tonight,” his mother chirps, always excited at the mention of hansol and the other kids.

 

ah, he’d forgotten about that.

 

“i’m not even going, mom,” mingyu says. _i’ll just see jeonghan there and i’m not ready..._

 

mingyu’s mother, all 163cm of her, storms towards him and flicks his forehead so hard that it makes mingyu lose his balance. “you _are_ going! i raised you to keep your word and hansol hardly ever comes to visit!” sighing, she turns away from him and grabs minghao’s hand, smiling. “now minghao dear, help me set the table will you?”

 

rendered mute, mingyu watches as minghao and his mother set the table. he makes his way towards them to help, curious eyes following minghao’s every movement and mingyu wonders if he knows. by now, he’s sure most of the school will know about the confession since seungkwan’s mouth travels faster than the speed of a bullet train. it would be odd for him to suddenly visit otherwise.

 

maybe he’s trying to comfort him? but that would be ridiculous. their friendship level isn’t that high yet.

 

even if minghao does know, he doesn’t bring it up through dinner. mingyu is thankful but it also makes him even more anxious since the other is known to be quite straightforward. he won’t be able to predict what he’ll say.

 

sighing, mingyu pokes the rice on his bowl with his chopsticks idly.

 

“are you finished eating?”

 

mingyu looks up to see minghao smiling at him. it catches him off guard a bit, since he hasn’t seen the chinese smile all that often. he smiles a little just to return it. “yeah.”

 

“you can go change. i’ll wait for you and clean up with your mom.”

 

“you don’t have to, you know,” mingyu responds with a frown. “come to the party, help around…”

 

minghao smiles again, this time he sees a flash of amusement in his eyes. “i don’t. but isn’t this what friends do?”

 

mingyu doesn’t have the heart to tell him that he considers him an acquaintance more than anything. he nods instead and makes his way upstairs. while changing, he sends a quick text to hansol that he’s bringing a friend.

 

the younger responds a few minutes later telling him that it’s okay, since jeonghan is bringing someone over too. two people, actually. although mingyu ignores that and just says thanks.

 

finished changing, he walks downstairs, tells his mother they’re going out and with minghao walking beside him, they make their way to probably the most awkward party mingyu will ever attend.

  


 

 

guilt is something jeonghan doesn’t handle well. he has done a lot of shitty things in his life and he thinks that because of that, he would actually feel no guilt. this is true, in most cases. he doesn’t really feel much of anything.

 

but he can’t bring himself not to feel like he’s been ran over by three trucks when he thinks about last night.

 

so mingyu liked him. _still_ likes him.  because he knows better than anyone that you don’t stop loving someone just because you get rejected. case in point, his infatuation with joshua. and a number of other people.

 

what happens now? is he going to lose his best friend over this? after he himself tried so hard not to fall for him all these years?

 

 _it's that stupid contract_ , jeonghan thinks. _it's all because of that stupid contract. i shouldn't have agreed to that._

 

to everyone else, he knows he seems heartless, egoistic and aloof. people see him and assume he’s just using mingyu and even treats him like shit. the younger would probably run to the moon and back just to see if aliens exist for him or give him a star. maybe people even have worse things to call jeonghan, because he knows he himself does. but at the end of the day, mingyu is special to him.

 

he’s so special that he’s untouchable. pure. stupid and clumsy, but pure. mingyu believes him even if the world turns their back on him. mingyu would do anything for him, even beyond what he can think of doing for other people. maybe that’s why he developed feelings for him, once upon a time. and also why he knew he can’t be together with him.

 

as mingyu’s best friend, he knows he deserves someone better than him.

 

the only thing that wakes him up that day is the fact that he needed to piss. sluggishly, he pushes his covers off of him and pads towards the bathroom.

 

outside the windows, the sky shows that it’s already sunset. he remembers suddenly that he woke up earlier to tell hansol he’s taking joshua and seungcheol to the party. and that seungcheol is going to pick him up. joshua has something to do before going to the party so he already texted him the address.

 

he curses and steps inside the shower, showering quickly. a quick sniff tells him that he smells like cigarettes and regrets. which is not surprising, since he had a habit of falling back to bad habits when he’s met with difficult situations. one of them is smoking. the other is doing things he knows he will regret.

 

his mother would have killed him a long time ago had it not been for mingyu.

 

will he even come to the party? should the situations be reversed, jeonghan would. just to show the dude that he’s doing fine. maybe he’ll make out with someone and let them touch him in all the places he wishes to be touched. but that’s him.

 

for the first time in years, jeonghan doesn’t know how mingyu will react. it scares him a little.

 

he throws on a loose fitting cream shirt, skinny denim jeans and puts on his white converse and jacket just as he hears the doorbell.

 

“wait up!” he calls, pushing his foot inside the shoe. he doesn’t lace them

up yet and jogs towards the door. when he opens the door and sees seungcheol, he’s caught off guard completely forgetting that he had invited him too.

 

seungcheol is wearing equally plain clothes but he looks so good jeonghan wishes he has the energy to imagine making out with him.

 

“hey, i’m guessing i came to the right place?” he says, smiling.

 

“yep, you did. great.” jeonghan pushes the door further open so he could slide past, taking a step outside while pushing his damp hair back. “let’s go.”

 

“with your hair like that?” seungcheol asks, pointing at his wet hair.

 

jeonghan nods. “yes, it’s just the kids anyways.”

 

“you’ll get sick. do you have a hair dryer?”

 

“yes, i do and—“

  
  


 

if someone told him that someone running their hands through his hair would be enough to make him horny, he would laugh and say yes, exactly. that sounds perfectly reasonable.

 

mingyu always did this before, and he would nag jeonghan at the same time. he always let his hair grow out without a care in the world. a few years back, his hair was past his shoulders and he barely combed it. mingyu, with his tendency to meddle and fix things (and people), always combed it for him. now that he thought about it, that kind of intimacy wasn’t something he shared with another person. until today.

 

he tried to push the memory away, feeling the guilt rise to his throat, and focuses on seungcheol’s hands in his hair. they were heavier than mingyu’s, surprisingly enough. though before he compares the two further, he clears his throat.

 

“y-you really don’t have to do this,” he says, squirming where he was sitting.

 

seungcheol shakes his head, running his fingers through jeonghan’s hair while his other hand was holding the hair dryer. judging from his movements, he’s used to handling hair that is slightly longer though he’s just clumsier. “if you get sick, your mother might blame me.”

 

“she wouldn’t. she thought...someone else was picking me up.” jeonghan looks down at his hands on his lap, sighing. of course, jeonghan argues, they didn’t really agree that mingyu would pick him up. it’s just that he was used to it.

 

“boyfriend? the tall, dark and handsome guy?”

 

“yes and no. yes, it’s him and no, he’s not my boyfriend.” jeonghan sighs again.

 

the other hums, this time tilting his torso to the side to dry jeonghan’s bangs. “so you’re straight?”

 

“that’s insulting,” jeonghan manages to say, scoffing.

 

seungcheol laughs and it makes him even more attractive. something about his aura makes jeonghan at ease, even if he has a lot to worry about at this point in his life. he’s not even traditionally handsome by standard. he’s known that ever since he first saw him at the library.

 

now that he’s finished drying jeonghan’s hair, he’s now styling it with wax. jeonghan rarely uses it since it’s way too much work but he lets seungcheol do whatever he wants with his hair. he probably would let him do whatever he wants with other parts of his body too.

 

“what happened, then? why isn’t he picking you up? not that i mind, of course.”

 

_i fucked up. it’s my fault again._

 

“i rejected him… he uhm… confessed last night.” _ouch._

 

seungcheol blinks, sitting on the chair beside jeonghan which effectively made them closer in proximity, their knees almost touching. “i thought you liked him?”

 

jeonghan thought seungcheol’s knees were distracting that he had to mentally slap himself so he focuses on the matter at hand. and thigh. those jeans complimented his thighs so well—

 

“we’re best friends. plus, i like you.”

 

jeonghan had plans on confessing to seungcheol while on his knees sucking his dick or something along those lines but he doesn’t mind the conventional route either.

 

for the first time, the polite and calm facade of choi seungcheol cracks and he’s reduced to a rambling and blushing mess. jeonghan watches, both amused and concerned, until he has had enough and he slaps their other. the move is effective and he stops running his mouth.

 

“i’m sorry, it’s just that you were too fucking loud.”

 

“i thought people kiss others to shut them up,” seungcheol pouts, rubbing his cheek with his hand gingerly.

 

“too early, choi. too early. i’m not that easy. which is a lie, now that i think about it. but maybe after i talk with mingyu,” jeonghan responds with a small smile.

 

now he feels even more guilty, flirting while his best friend is hurting. he has to practice some self control. one wrong move and he’ll definitely lose the most important person in his life.

 

“i understand. i can wait.” seungcheol smiles at him, reaching out to pat a stray hair strand that was poking up.

 

jeonghan’s smile grows despite himself. “thanks.”

  
  
  


 

mingyu and minghao arrive before jeonghan and whoever he is taking with him. which is a relief and a disappointment. it surprises mingyu how much he's missed the older despite being heartbroken. they take off their shoes and pad towards the living room seeing wonwoo, hansol, samuel, seungkwan, chan and dokyeom already there, huddled in the living room talking in hushed whispers.

 

from the surprise on their faces (mainly seungkwan and dokyeom’s) when mingyu greets them, he already knows what they are talking about. or rather, _who_. trust his friends to keep something like this secret for a bit so he doesn’t think about it throughout the whole night.

 

a collective “mingyu!”, “mingyu hyung!” and “hello!” come from the group. some more high pitched than others. hansol makes sure to give mingyu one of his signature bro hugs as they approach them. after giving everyone a half hug or a high five, mingyu introduces minghao. names are being exchanged as well as ages, and chan frowns. of course he’s the youngest again.

 

once the formalities are out of the way, he is dragged by seungkwan and dokyeom to the garden in the back. he didn’t even have the chance to welcome samuel back yet they already excused themselves. mingyu groans, knowing what they will be talking about. 

 

“what are you guys doing?!” mingyu shouts, prying his arms away from the two. "can't we talk about this at another time? samuel's here."

 

“i wanted to apologize for leaving you last night,” seungkwan starts, casting his eyes downward in guilt. of course, the guilt is probably eating him right at this moment. especially since he had been ignoring his calls all day. “dokyeom’s mom kept threatening me that she’ll skin me alive if he wasn’t home soon. but before we left i...overheard you and jeonghan hyung talking...”

 

“what did he say? you look miserable so i’m guessing he rejected you.” dokyeom inquires, frowning. he's one of the more sensible people of this group but sometimes rather dense. he remembers always reminding him that he can't share a room with jeonghan when they're on their vacations so he can instead. dokyeom is probably the second person after mingyu who had the tolerance for his bullshit.

 

“hyung!” seungkwan shouts, glaring at dokyeom.

 

mingyu sighs, feeling a wave of dread, sadness and hurt again. he can tell them now, he supposes. make it easier to accept the truth.  “he did. i expected that...but the worst part isn’t that.” tears prick at the corner of his eyes again but he wills them back. not again. “but i don’t want to talk about this now. let’s go back inside.”

 

“it’s my fault,” seungkwan blurts out. “i...i knew he had feelings for you.”

 

“the—“ dokyeom’s eyes widen, staring at seungkwan.

 

“what do you mean?” mingyu asks, holding his breath. this can't be happening. 

 

“b-but jeonghan hyung didn’t want you to know! so i couldn’t say anything!” seungkwan gestures wildly as he explains, panicking. “he said he’s not good enough. this was when the contract was still a thing and he realized you deserve someone better and all that. he was thinking about you all this time just like you were thinking about him. i’m really sorry, _hyung_...”

 

what does jeonghan mean “someone better”? that’s not something the older gets to decide for him. the fact that seungkwan also knows made it even harder to just accept everything and “move on” like he intended. if jeonghan wanted seungkwan to pretend to know nothing about their feelings, it means that they did like each other at the same time. it means there was a chance. _he_ had a chance.

 

“i need a moment,” he whispers, pushing past his two friends. they don’t stop him and he can hear seungkwan and dokyeom bickering. the backyard has a small wooden door that leads to the parking lot and he uses that instead of going through the front door. no matter what, he doesn’t want to make a scene.

 

so he sprints.

 

 

 

back in high school, mingyu lost to jeonghan’s team in relay at their school’s sports festival.

 

no one expected jeonghan to win. he didn’t put much effort when it comes to sports or anything, for that matter. he actually looked like he wasn’t interested in much. mingyu was surprised himself since he used a majority of time after school training to beat him so he wouldn’t lose their bet. loser treats winner to lunch at the cafeteria for a whole month. he could hardly feed himself with his pocket money since he kept buying pokemon and yu-gi oh cards.

 

he remembers running as if his life depended on it, eyes closed. he was afraid that if he opened them, then he’d see everyone else running past him and he didn’t want to feel like he already lost.

 

somehow this helped him run past the others, the crowd’s cheering ringing in his ears. when he finally feels the ribbon against his stomach, he knew he reached the finish line and collapsed.

 

when he opened his eyes, jeonghan was standing in front of him, offering him a hand.

 

perhaps it was a trick of light or something but mingyu swore he looked like an angel. 

 

after that day, he started feeling odd about jeonghan. there had always been this feeling of _something_ that he couldn't quite pin point. a feeling that nagged at him at random. he had asked his friends then, and was told that he may have a crush. the realization hit him so suddenly that he couldn't look at jeonghan in the eye for more than ten seconds (yes, he counted).

 

then the contract.

 

the contract that let him label his and jeonghan's relationship as something more, even for a brief period of time. for months the experience made him realize that the feelings he harbored for jeonghan were genuine. and he had confessed, however jeonghan claimed that he did not hear anything since he was asleep. mingyu didn't want to bring it up again, since jeonghan seemed to like forgetting that the contract happened at all.

 

 

 

the park is dark, a lone street light serving as the only source of light. in the dark, it looks eerie but mingyu didn’t run here to reminisce about his childhood. he came here to escape everything.

 

jeonghan knew everything about mingyu except this.

 

walking past the swings and towards a sturdy tree, he digs with the small plastic shovel he put there. it doesn’t take him long before he hits the top of the wooden box he put there, wrapped in a paper bag.

 

he takes the box with him to the bench, just beside one of the pale streetlights and opens it.

 

inside the box are letters which contained pieces of mingyu’s heart written in words. every year, when the time of his and jeonghan’s friendship anniversary rolls in, he would write a letter to the older. if every year he still feels in love with jeonghan, he would put the letter inside the box and bury it in the playground. it’s his way of expressing himself, knowing that he will never have the courage to actually confess.

 

this year is no different and he runs a thumb against the newest among the piles of letters, all six of them. 

 

even the contract is inside, crumpled up because he didn't do a very good job at remembering to fold it and accidentally threw it in the trash a few years back. 

 

another item inside the box is a box of matches. he would burn the letters once he no longer feels the same way or jeonghan finds someone he knows he will spend the rest of his life with, whichever comes first. neither of them has happened yet but he decides now is a better time to burn them all since he knows what jeonghan feels now.

 

he puts the box aside as he fills the hole he made with dirt again, making sure to pat it so it doesn’t look bad. once he is, he quickly turns around only to see jeonghan standing there, his eyes on the box.

 

“what are these?” he asks, looking at mingyu.

 

mingyu can see that he had been running, his hair sticking to his sweaty forehead. his cheeks are flushed and it makes mingyu’s heart ache how beautiful he still looks. someone did his hair, he can tell, but he does a better job at it.

 

before jeonghan can even think of getting one letter, he scrambles to reach for the box. but jeonghan is quick like a cat, as always, and grabs one. the one that’s sitting on top of the pile, his latest letter.

 

“give that back!” mingyu shouts desperately, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. “don’t you dare read it!”

 

“i won’t,” jeonghan responds, lips set in a tight line. “but i’m not giving this back until you finish listening to what i’m saying.”

 

mingyu stands up, brushing dirt off of his pants. “give it back, please. just…”

 

“i _did_ like you. but it wasn’t in the right way,” jeonghan starts, lump in his throat. “i liked the attention you gave me. i knew you could take care of me and tolerate all the bullshit i put you through. i liked you because of all the things you could do for me, not for who you are. and that’s wrong. i would end up using you and hurting you. and when we inevitably break up, it will hurt us both and ruin this friendship.”

 

“you don’t know that for sure,” mingyu cuts in, angry all over again. this isn’t something jeonghan can predict. “i wouldn’t have given up on you. never. ”

 

“but it will hurt you just like the contract hurt you!” jeonghan shouts. memories flash before his eyes and in them the image of a boy he used to love so much. he wished that back then, someone had told him what he is telling mingyu now. “it will hurt you. and that’s the kind of pain that you can’t fully recover from even when you think you’re fine. it’s the pain that will lead you to change, build walls around yourself and lose that spark in your eyes.” a pause, and he looks away, his voice barely above a whisper. “you’ll cease to hope that there are good people in this world and think everyone is out to get you and hurt you. i can’t bear to see you become like that because of me or because of anyone else. you deserve someone who’ll make you believe and experience the good this world has to offer. ”

 

for a while, mingyu is stunned. never in their entire friendship did he expect jeonghan to say this about him. a huge and very insecure part of him always thinks that he cares more about jeonghan rather than the opposite. or that he’s being kept around because he’s convenient and a tool, just like seungkwan would say. but seungkwan is right. jeonghan had been thinking about him just as much as he is thinking about the other.

 

“but i’m _still_ hurt,” he finally manages to say after a few silent moments, tears starting to block his vision and voice breaking as he speaks. “i’m still heartbroken. you couldn’t stop it. and...i just wish i wasn’t your best friend that you cherished so much that you needed to protect me from yourself.”

 

“oh mingyu…”

 

jeonghan starts to reach out to soothe mingyu but he retracts his hand back, balling it into a fist at his sides. he’s aching to run away so he can’t see his best friend crumble in front of him. but he wills himself to stay, to listen as mingyu cries his heart out.

 

a few minutes after, mingyu and jeonghan find a bench to sit in which has a vending machine beside it. jeonghan buys mingyu some coffee and banana milk for himself so they can be silent for a little while, drinking.

 

it’s jeonghan who speaks up first. “i’m sorry. for everything.”

 

mingyu holds the can of coffee with both of his hands, looking at it. he doesn’t speak for a few moments, letting the events replay in his mind. “will i be okay?”

 

jeonghan feels a sharp pain in his chest, his grip on the carton drink tightening a little. his voice is gentle when he says, “i can’t tell you whether or not you’ll be okay…”

 

mingyu sighs deeply, inhaling the sharp and fresh night air. right now, he’s sure he won’t be okay or if things will be the way they were before. “is it okay if i take time for myself? there’s break soon after midterms… i know i promised we’ll go to anyang together but i can’t.”

 

biting the inside of his lip, jeonghan nods. he needs space, jeonghan knows this much. but the fear of losing him keeps nagging at him, telling him not to go.

 

“thank you,” the younger responds, drinking his coffee and standing up to throw it to the trash can. he sees the box of letters still on the ground and picks it up, walking back to where jeonghan is sitting, closing the box and hands it to him.

 

jeonghan looks up at mingyu who looks away. “but i thought i can’t read them?”

 

“read them every april 18th, starting next year. you can start with the oldest one. i’ve marked them by date.”

 

“what are they?”

 

“you’ll know when you read them.” mingyu tries to smile though he fails miserably. jeonghan appreciates the effort.

 

“okay.”

 

“let’s go back to the party. the guys must be waiting.”

 

jeonghan stands up, throwing his banana milk carton in the trash while holding the box to his chest tightly. when mingyu sees him holding the box like that, he realizes that it’s the closest the other will get to his heart. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you again to my lovely @chunji who always betas my work and gives me the confidence boost i need to actually post the garbage i write. this is long overdue, i apologize. have had a lot of other things that i wrote so i got sidetracked. but i swear this will still continue and i will finish it eventually. 
> 
> hope you guys enjoy this chapter. it hurt like a bitch to write this.


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